MDDad
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Post by MDDad on Aug 2, 2022 15:46:26 GMT -8
I think jokes deserve their own thread, so I started this one with the following:
At a winery, the regular wine taster had died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. An old drunkard, with a ragged and dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to nicely send him away in this all too politically correct world. So he gave him a glass of their low-end wine to drink.
The old drunk sipped it and without the traditional sniffing or swirling said, “It’s Muscatel, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
“That’s correct” said the director. Then he gave him another glass.
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees, It requires three more years to reach its finest results.”
“That’s correct" said the director, and gave the old drunk a third glass.
“It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive” the old drunk man said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
The secretary left the room, pissed into a wine glass, and brought back the glass of urine, and gave it to the drunkard to sample.
The alcoholic tried it of course. He said, "It’s a blonde of moderate intelligence, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father!”
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MDDad
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Post by MDDad on Aug 2, 2022 15:50:07 GMT -8
Here's another one:
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Hell if I know," chirped the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy."
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SK80
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Post by SK80 on Aug 2, 2022 16:21:45 GMT -8
I think jokes deserve their own thread, so I started this one with the following: We already have thread, its called "President Biden"  |
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MDDad
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Post by MDDad on Aug 11, 2022 10:05:08 GMT -8
A five-year-old girl pestered her father for weeks to take her along the next time he went for a haircut. So one Saturday, he took her along to his barber for his cut. She stood right next to the barber's chair eating a Hostess Twinkie while she watched her father get clipped.
The barber said, "Watch out little girl, your going to get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know that" said the little girl. "And I'm going to get big tits too."
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MDDad
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Post by MDDad on Sept 9, 2022 12:36:35 GMT -8
Aeronautical Question
As clever as you might be, I’ll be surprised if you actually get this right, but you will get it once you see the answer. They say it is common sense but here is a clue: Just remember that a helicopter's blade (in cross-section) is shaped like an airplane's wing, and both catch air giving lift. Now answer the question: This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. However, the answer may surprise you. The Question: "What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft over fixed winged aircraft?” The Answer:
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SK80
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Post by SK80 on Sept 9, 2022 15:14:17 GMT -8
Is that the "Butt of the Joke".... |
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MDDad
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Post by MDDad on Sept 18, 2022 15:21:03 GMT -8
A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine."
The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either."
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billb
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Post by billb on Sept 20, 2022 17:53:46 GMT -8
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Bick
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Post by Bick on Sept 23, 2022 16:04:57 GMT -8
I saw a man crying while mowing his lawn.
I asked him: "Is everything OK"?
He replied: "I'm just going through a rough patch".
The man who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
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SK80
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Post by SK80 on Sept 23, 2022 16:24:58 GMT -8
I saw a man crying while mowing his lawn. I asked him: "Is everything OK"? He replied: "I'm just going through a rough patch".
The man who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral. & the room went silent.... |
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Bick
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Post by Bick on Sept 24, 2022 12:32:19 GMT -8
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SK80
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Post by SK80 on Sept 24, 2022 15:41:44 GMT -8
you had to resort to a sex joke to get a laugh.... and i did! |
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RSM789
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Post by RSM789 on Sept 28, 2022 13:58:25 GMT -8
At the risk of incriminating myself, I am 95% sure the man in the photo is Peter North, which explains why the woman is in high heels & a see thru dress. In fact, I believe this is a still from the beginning of one of Mr. Norths huge library of films. |
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RSM789
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Post by RSM789 on Sept 28, 2022 14:01:19 GMT -8
A 15 yr old Amish boy and his father visited a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."
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MDDad
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Post by MDDad on Sept 28, 2022 14:19:06 GMT -8
I wonder why.  |
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