Luca
Master Statesman
Posts: 1,316
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Post by Luca on Dec 18, 2020 16:01:38 GMT -8
I’d like to get a consensus from you guys.
I have a big family, 7 adult kids all who have moved out of the home with the exception of the youngest, a 22-year-old who is usually away at college. My wife and I raised the family with fairly conventional rules, one of which was that girlfriends and boyfriends do not spend the night in our home without our permission, and certainly not in the same room. Pretty basic rule acknowledged by all except for my one airhead son whom years ago I kicked out of the house for a few weeks for violating the rule for the second time.
My youngest son has a best friend since junior high, Troy. They were inseparable and still see each other whenever possible. Troy's parents both died when he was a junior in high school and the rest of his family didn’t seem to give a damn about him. So he lived with us for a few years, went to Saddleback College and then two years ago got a job and moved out to live with his girlfriend. They decided they were tired of paying rent and so bought a standard Ram van which they attempted to turn into a camper of sorts, with the intention of living in the damned thing until they saved up enough money to buy a home. Everyone who knew Troy told him it was a stupid idea, that you cannot live in a van that small and fit a kitchen and bathroom etc. He’s now almost finished with the van and they’ve been living in the thing for some 5 months, coming to our place to do laundry and frequently to have dinner. No heating, insufficient space for clothes, no privacy. Spartan, in a word. They park on various streets for the night.
She, of course, is now pregnant in her fourth month and they’re still living in that van with plans to move to Colorado sometime in January, realizing they cannot continue like this. I feel sorry for both of them and I’m going to propose to my wife that we let him stay with us - we have 3 empty bedrooms - until such time as they leave. I know my wife is going to be opposed because they aren’t married and we’ve always had that rule. Further, my youngest daughter - I am told - might well get pissed because even though we allowed her boyfriend (now husband, who was likewise disenfranchised from his family) live with us for 6 months, we always insisted on separate bedrooms. My older daughter is invariably going to jump down my neck for being hypocritical.
Should I make the offer or play it safe?
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MDDad
Master Eminence Grise
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Post by MDDad on Dec 18, 2020 16:31:08 GMT -8
Luca, it's difficult to offer any suggestions when your narrative raises so many questions and red flags:
(1) You mention that Troy is your youngest son's best friend. He's not your best friend, so is your son in a position to help them at this point?
(2) You mention that Troy went to Saddleback College. Did he graduate with an AA degree that could lead to a career or a profession? Or did he engage in a dead-end major that resulted in a menial, entry-level, or minimum wage job?
(3) You mention that he moved out of your home to live with his girlfriend. Were they in a financial position to make that choice? If not, it seems like a silly immature decision.
(4) You mention that they got tired of paying rent, so they decided to turn a van into an apartment. All of us got tired of paying rent at some point, but we didn't decide to move into a van. Regardless of how you look at it, that was a silly immature decision.
(5) You mention that she is now pregnant. I assume they both know there are ways of preventing that from happening, so ignoring those precautions seems like a silly immature decision.
(4) You mention that they are planning on moving to Colorado in January. That is only two weeks away. Can we assume they are making that move because one or both of them have job prospects waiting there? If not, moving to Colorado in the dead of winter seems like a silly immature decision.
As you can see, it seems there may be a trend in their decision making. You can certainly put them up in your home for an unspecified length of time, because I assume you have an emotional attachment to Troy. However, they are both adults with a child on the way. I think what they may need most is something that forces them to grow up and face cold, hard reality, and I'm not sure living in a physician's comfortable home will force that. If you proceed with that plan, I'd certainly urge you to agree with them on their contributions to their room and board before they move in. There are no free lunches, and your largess should make that point. And even then, I'm not sure it would be worth the price of alienating two of your own children.
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Post by templar83 on Dec 18, 2020 17:07:57 GMT -8
I think your situation could make a great sitcom. Alan Harper was only going to stay with Charlie until he got on his feet, and that made for some wonderful entertainment...
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Post by ProfessorFate on Dec 18, 2020 17:54:25 GMT -8
I’d like to get a consensus from you guys. She, of course, is now pregnant in her fourth month and they’re still living in that van with plans to move to Colorado sometime in January, realizing they cannot continue like this. I feel sorry for both of them and I’m going to propose to my wife that we let him stay with us - we have 3 empty bedrooms - until such time as they leave. I know my wife is going to be opposed because they aren’t married and we’ve always had that rule. Further, my youngest daughter - I am told - might well get pissed because even though we allowed her boyfriend (now husband, who was likewise disenfranchised from his family) live with us for 6 months, we always insisted on separate bedrooms. My older daughter is invariably going to jump down my neck for being hypocritical. Should I make the offer or play it safe? May I suggest the following course of action. Talk to Troy about your dilemma. Then tell him that they will be staying in separate bedrooms. Then tell him (with, or without a wink, wink, nudge, nudge) that you have no plans to stand guard in the hallway at night. Your daughter doesn't have to know anything about the wink, or the nudge, or the lack of sentry duty on your part. Plausible Deniability for you (and your wife?) And yes...moving to Colorado would be much wiser in June. |
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Credo
Master Eminence Grise
Posts: 6,242
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Post by Credo on Dec 18, 2020 18:22:02 GMT -8
I completely understand your rule and agree with it. That being said, the couple is essentially "common law" married; the horse has obviously left the barn.
They are not your kids and this is purely an act of charity. If the wife is going to make and issue out of it, then let the pregnant gal sleep in the house and make her boyfriend stay in the van.
Sounds like a perfect story during this time of preparation for the Nativity of Christ.
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davidsf
Master Eminence Grise
Posts: 5,252
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Post by davidsf on Dec 18, 2020 19:57:08 GMT -8
From what you say, Luca, you have a reasonable rule intended (I assume) to instruct your children towards making good choices.
This kid is not your child and he is already well on his way to becoming the kind of decision maker he will be. Make the offer.
When (or if) you daughter complains, you can explain the need for your children to have rules, and your unwillingness to place your rules on people who are not your responsibility.
Just my opinion!
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SK80
Master Eminence Grise
Posts: 7,376
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Post by SK80 on Dec 19, 2020 5:54:58 GMT -8
I just couldn't help but think....  With that bit of humor aside, I tend to follow along the lines of what MDDad laid out. There seems to be enough variables that by past actions and history of Troy & Gal something surely will go awry and trigger yet the next issue or problem in your personal and family life. I don't think as well any of us have enough information to say one way or the other is the right way. If I was on the bubble I would simply ask "For whom did you vote for in 2020"! That answer could simply enable me to make my decision! |
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duke
Statesman
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Post by duke on Dec 21, 2020 13:13:28 GMT -8
Make the offer, but with parameters they must adhere to. The world needs more people like you Luca.
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Luca
Master Statesman
Posts: 1,316
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Post by Luca on Dec 21, 2020 13:36:18 GMT -8
Thanks for the responses. I was actually expecting a barrage of "Let them learn their lessons", "tough love",etc.
But to my surprise my wife already asked them on her own if they want to stay with us until they get back on their feet. It turns out my two daughters feel the same way. One more family hassle I don't have to deal with.
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davidsf
Master Eminence Grise
Posts: 5,252
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Post by davidsf on Dec 21, 2020 15:46:51 GMT -8
Thanks for the responses. I was actually expecting a barrage of "Let them learn their lessons", "tough love",etc. But to my surprise my wife already asked them on her own if they want to stay with us until they get back on their feet. It turns out my two daughters feel the same way. One more family hassle I don't have to deal with. My kids are 19 and 17... I am constantly surprised at how they exceed my expectations in situations like this. It tells me you are raising your children right. |
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Luca
Master Statesman
Posts: 1,316
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Post by Luca on Dec 22, 2020 13:04:28 GMT -8
Thanks, but lets not jump the gun. You haven't met the other five............Luca
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davidsf
Master Eminence Grise
Posts: 5,252
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Post by davidsf on Dec 22, 2020 14:48:20 GMT -8
Understood...
But my observation stands unless all five are in prison, or the Mexican Mafia.
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Credo
Master Eminence Grise
Posts: 6,242
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Post by Credo on Dec 22, 2020 16:30:33 GMT -8
Understood... But my observation stands unless all five are in prison, or the Mexican Mafia. Or Democrats. |
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