Jokes

Adapted from The Pink Panther

There’s a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says “oh no! What should we do?!” She says “hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!” Once they’re in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says “what are you doing?” She says “I’m making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you’re real, because he’s stupid!” Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her “what’s that?” She says “Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one.” He shrugs it off and goes about his business.

That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room still posed, too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says “Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson’s house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat.”

That got a LOL, MDD

My wife was doing some spring cleaning and found this story that I printed out for her 5 years ago. It is credited to Anonymous 2/17/'06. Chances are many of you have already seen this...it's too hilarious not to have gone viral back then. Even if you've seen it before, I know you'll still enjoy it again  For those who have never seen it...you're in for a treat.

Pocket Taser Gun, A Great Gift for the Wife? 

This was submitted by a guy who purchases a "pocket taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn mark is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries...right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions  and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (just for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the floor like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring 5" long, less than 3 1/4 inch in circumference (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way!. 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button , and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body-slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never hear before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to her self, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violet thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A...that hurt like hell!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. MY face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.  Still in shock...

I read this one in the Times today and thought it might be appropriate to add it here:

A guy goes to his doctor to get tested for the corona virus. He returns the next day for the results and his doctor says, "I'm sorry, but unfortunately you tested positive for the virus."

The man looks at his doctor in disbelief for a while and says, "That's impossible, doc. I bought 200 cases of water and 8,000 rolls of toilet paper."

This old Polish guy walks into the DMV to renew his driver's license. Because of his age, he has to take the eye exam. So the DMV clerk behind the counter wakes up from his stupor for a minute and says, "Can you please cover your right eye and read Line 3?"

The Polish guy looks up at the sign and sees ZCERZWCYKXZMCOZCYK

He smiles for a second and says, "Read it? Hell, I know the guy."